Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Taking people’s feelings lightly, treating their hearts like that pair of old, reliable shoes that you love to wear sometimes for comfort, but don’t care how scuffed or beat up they get — that’s not okay.
The fact is, you’re going to put your heart in another human’s hands, giving them full responsibility for it. Knowing that we’re imperfect creatures, some wear and tear is to be expected, let’s just hope it’s not shredded to pieces as a result of complete and utter carelessness.
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Today, at 320am, Gong Gong was called home to the Lord.
& knowing that he can finally meet Daddy God and mummy there comforts me.
Knowing that they're there, welcoming him with open arms comforts me.
Thank You Lord for sustaining him for so long, thank You for blessing him
with such amazing health all these years and passing away at such a good old ripe age.
Thank You for giving the family an extra month to spend time with him.
& i'm glad that though i don't really talk to gong gong, i got to
see the smile on his face whenever i said hi and waved at him.
I'm happy i got the chance to massage him and just hold his hands.
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Sunday, January 27, 2013
Letter to Mummy:
Hi mama, Ziyu here. Time sure flies right?
It's been exactly 1 month since you've gone to Daddy God.
How's heaven? I bet you're having lots of fun there, & being in the presence of God,
how awesome is that? I envy you.
The past one month has been difficult to cope with. But yet, i never fail to see God's favour
upon this family. How he's providing for this family and carrying us through.
Mama, i miss you terribly. I miss you scolding me for not eating my fruits,
i miss coming home and telling you that i'm home, i miss the sound of the tv
when i'm at the door. I miss opening the door and seeing you lying on the couch,
i miss running to your room and saying goodnight to you and praying with you.
The house just feels so empty now despite having more people over.
There's just this void, this quietness though it's noisier.
Ma, i just want to see you again and run to you, into your arms.
I miss being showered with motherly love.
I get jealous when i see my friends with their parents or when
they mention they're going out with their mum.
And i'm thinking, i wish i could do the same, i wish i could just call you and
say ma, let's go for lunch or dinner or whatever. But i can't, i don't even
have the opportunity to do so any more.
& i'm sorry ma, for crying every night, for being miserable, for not being happy,
'cos that's not what you wanted. You wanted us to be happy, to move on,
to live our lives to the fullest, to know that you're happy up there & we'd be reunited again.
But sometimes, it's so hard. It's too hard. How does one move on
from the death of someone so significant, someone who gave you unconditional love
since you were born? It's so hard, and it's harder when no one understands the
trauma that you're going through. People say comments like "she's happy up there so you should be too"
or "it's okay" and i'm just thinking to myself, just go away, i don't want to
hear comments like that, they're not comforting at all.
Is that mean of me to say that, ma? 'cos really, it isn't one bit comforting but instead,
i get angry at those words. It's like every word is a taboo word.
I miss you mummy, you've no idea.
I love you too.
Happy 1st month in heaven mama.
Love, your daughter, Deborah.
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Thursday, January 24, 2013
"I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
And no other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart
And i love You Lord You rescued me
You are all that i want You're all i need
I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You My cares released"
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Tuesday, January 22, 2013
"No one understands that you don't just get over it.
It takes time, and lots of it for you to adjust to your life after losing someone so significant. They say when you are a caregiver, your grief is postponed because at first you are just relieved that your loved one is no longer suffering.
The pain hits when you realize the magnitude of your loss."
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Saturday, January 19, 2013
*warning: long post ahead*
Hi everyone who reads this though i think there's barely anyone who does,
i just felt the urge to blog about this & feel free to stop reading from here onwards.
Looking back at the past few weeks, in fact months,
I'm truly truly amazed by how everything came at the right timing.
God's timing is indeed perfect and we should never doubt that.
It's amazing how mum's admission to the hospital was when my holiday started.
and I managed to spend her last few days with her, having night shifts and just watching over her.
It's amazing how I saw her fighting so hard to stay alive till my dad and aunt came back.
And seeing her all jolly and happy during Christmas, I remember her asking me what date it was
and when i said it was Christmas, she smiled and said " Ziyu, Merry Christmas"
And i have this feeling my mum decided to hold on till after Christmas, so as to not spoil the mood.
Why do i say this? I remember my mum keeping her relapse a secret from the whole family
just 'cos she didn't want to spoil the Christmas & new year mood.
Yes, that was my mother, always putting others first before herself.
She never spent and splurged nor indulged in life so that we, her children, may enjoy life.
& i'm glad that God blessed me with such a wonderful mother.
& though she's gone, i'm very very happy that she's with Jesus, in heaven
where gold is just mere tiles, where there is no more pain nor suffering.
& continuing, God's timing was just perfect. Even though i was going through such an emotional crisis,
my projects went by smoothly, FMGT turned out better than expected, FIT went well,
BCOMM was really good, RFA wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst that it was supposed to be.
My CT results are not fantastic but definitely better than what i deserve.
God provided when I cried out for help. & looking back, i'm truly amazed at how
i didn't just go into depression from all the stress.
Many people might say, don't you hate God for taking away your mum at such a young age/
Aren't you angry at God?
and my answer would be ABSOLUTELY NO.
God has a purpose and a reason for every thing.
"3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Romans 5:3-5
and many other verses in the bible talk about suffering and death.
& through these verses, i feel the holy spirit working in me, and I feel comforted.
& though i may have lost my mother,
in return, I realised how blessed i was with all my friends who came down,
many whom i didn't expect. & i thank God for my close friends,
Michelle, Allinda, Yeewei, Rebecca, Kenneth, Julvin, Salmon Clique, 2A Clique,
My cousin, Becky, Jonas, Pam, My church people, Michelle's family.
Also, Thank you to those that always point me back to God.
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Saturday, January 12, 2013
I have to live with these memories, constantly nipping at my ankles and reminding me that they are everywhere I go.
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Thursday, January 10, 2013
What better way to mend this broken heart of mine than to have my loved ones around me?
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Wednesday, January 09, 2013
" You've experienced such a sea of disappointments that your heart is strong enough to withstand another one. The rawness is gone. Every little thing doesn't hurt so bad or keep you up at night. You are your own protector."
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Sunday, January 06, 2013
First week of school was exhausting especially after lack of sleep from the wake and all.
But, i made it. I'm here trying to be strong as each day goes by and this strength,
this supernatural strength, doesn't come from myself but God.
Each day passes and there's never a day where i don't think about my mum and start crying.
I miss her so much till i'm having haunting dreams. Dreams that make me want to curl into a ball
and just have someone i love to wrap their arms around me while i cry my heart out.
But for my mum, my family, i tell myself to be strong and seek God for help.
And this is how i am here standing today. A lot of people ask me, how are you so strong?
How can you still laugh and smile when you're in this state.
Well, for the people i love, and because i can 'cos i have God's great support.
Of course, i've been surrounded by my lovely friends that have helped me
and kept me on the right track and pointing me back to Jesus, thank you all.
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Wednesday, January 02, 2013
"But to follow that advice – to be emotionally invested in something and snip that cord is truly a tough task."
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